TRANSCRIPT: S01E02 - The Accidental Occidental Conception
|TITLE:||The Accidental Occidental Conception|
|ORIGINAL BROADCAST:||June 23, 2008|
|WRITTEN BY:||Sarah Watson|
|DIRECTED BY:||Michael Zinberg|
|DESCRIPTION:||When a Terra Cotta Warrior is brought back to life, The Middleman and Wendy set out to stop him before he can take the last living heir of the Qin dynasty to the land of the dead, releasing a hail of fire that will rain down on the Earth for a thousand years.|
WENDY: No one is more firmly rooted on the side of justice than I am. I mean, you might find this hard to believe but I, too, fight for the truth and preservation of American values in a concerned citizen kind of way. I'm just sayin'. One crime-hating gal to another. Can't we just make these charges disappear.
POLICE OFFICER: Your roommate was arrested for indecent exposure. In a sushi restaurant.
WENDY: As a form of protest. That's like a free speech thing. With skin. Oh, come one. Indecent exposure's a misdemeanor.
POLICE OFFICER: Her third one in the past six months.
NOSER: Yo, Wendy Watson, I'm double-parked. Have you got the goods yet?
WENDY: I don't know. Have I got the goods yet?
POLICE OFFICER: Just sign. I'm releasing her to your care. That makes you responsible for her.
WENDY: You won't regret this.
POLICE OFFICER: You might.
LACEY: Hey guys! Ya miss me?
NOSER: Did the sleaze eaters here you roar?
LACEY: They certainly know I am woman!
NOSER: Right on.
LACEY: Thanks for springing me, Dub-Dub! Hey! Why is there no hugging back?
WENDY: There’s hugging back; it’s just accompanied by exhaustion. And confusion. Indecent exposure at a sushi restaurant?
LACEY: Yep. Mercury in tuna kills humans and sushi eaters kill fish so no matter where you serve, how you serve it – spicy tuna kills.
WENDY: Now connect the dots to public nudity.
NOSER: Girl’s gotta fight the power.
WENDY: Girl’s gotta remember she’s not 18 anymore. This is not the campus police.
LACEY: I only spent a couple of hours in the slammer.
WENDY: Yeah, because I dragged myself out of bed to talk your way out.
LACEY: Wendy, I’m a confrontational spoken word –
WENDY: – spoken word performance artist, I know.
LACEY: I don’t complain when you stay up late to paint.
WENDY: Yeah, cuz when I paint, you don’t have to grease the cops. Maybe you should find a better way to make a statement than these pointless pranks.
LACEY: Pointless? You have no idea what it takes to save the world, Wendy Watson.
WENDY: Too harsh? Yeah.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Find what you’re looking for?
WENDY: If I needed to kill a man by scrambling his molecular structure, yes. But since what I really want is a cup of coffee…Hey!
THE MIDDLEMAN: Bloodshot eyes, fatigure, crankiness.
IDA: Someone spent all night suckin’ on a spliff.
WENDY: No. Somebody was up late bailing her roomie out of the slammer.
THE MIDDLEMAN: If that somebody was you, then that makes Lacey the roommate in question.
WENDY: Gosh, Sparky, did your fancy computer tell you that?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Is she okay?
WENDY: I don’t know. I wish I’d thought to ask. Instead, I just launched into some tirade about responsibility and growing up and if we’re going to get into this, I really need a double black eye.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Caffeine is a drug, Dubbie.
WENDY: I’m holding a molecular stun gun.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Ida.
WENDY: Sweet. Can that thing do a muffin?
IDA: Oh, don’t push your luck, junkie. I like watching you get the shakes.
WENDY: Lacey was just doing her protest thing.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Oh.
WENDY: Her heart’s in the right place, just – I wanted to be supportive. But…when I opened my mouth, my mom came out.
No, seriously. I might’ve even said to buy a nice bag, high heels, and a push-up bra and get herself a man.
She’s from Miami.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Ah. You’ll make it up to her.
WENDY: Not unless we have some alien weapon that shoots the mercury off fish.
THE MIDDLEMAN: I was thinking more of a sparkly card or a makeover.
WENDY: …or we could use our computers to hack into the police mainframe and erase her permanent record.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Katy bar the door! Dubbie, we do not use our resources to solve personal issues.
WENDY: Oh, come on! I bet Ida’s just a double-click away from making her permanent record go bye-bye.
IDA: I’m a double-click away from making something go buh-bye.
WENDY: Oh, come on. Why not?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Our mandate is to protect the people from threats intra-, extra-, and juxtaterrestrial. Not to become consumed with the mundane problems of every day life.
WENDY: Just this one time?
THE MIDDLEMAN: You let yourself become distracted and the next thing you know, a geological rift opens and the city’s overrun by three-toed hominids who once battled man for dominance while you’ve got your tightie-whities around your ankles.
WENDY: That happened to you, didn’t it?
IDA: Hey! Anybody want to get to work here? Cuz we got hot donuts now.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Maybe you should sit this one out.
WENDY: What?! Why?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Under-slept. Over-caffeinated. Distracted.
I’m as serious as a Hefty bag full of rottweilers! A middleman must remain focused at all times –
WENDY: I said I’m good.
IDA: Apparently there’s been a mudslide.
WENDY: What’s so weird about that?
IDA: Inside a Chinese restaurant.
POLICE OFFICER: Oh, I’m sorry, but this is a sealed area. We’re waiting for the coroner.
WENDY: Coroner? Oh.
THE MIDDLEMAN: I’m Dr. Kind, this is Dr. Raban from the Ecological Task Force. We think global warming is to blame.
POLICE OFFICER: Al Gore just ain’t whistlin’ Dixie.
THE MIDDLEMAN: No, sir, he isn’t. Were there any witness?
POLICE OFFICER: Just the busboy. He’s in the back.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Why don’t you go get him while we investigate the site.
POLICE OFFICER: Okay.
WENDY: So. When do I get one of those?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Try using your eyes. See anything?
WENDY: Aside from the half-buried corpse?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Focus, Dubbie. Don’t let the theme deaden your senses.
WENDY: “The theme”? Well, I see nothing. Which is something because there should a statue of a Terracotta Warrior on this pedestal.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Good. Make a note. I need Ida to tap CHAD for any information on our warrior.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Chinese Historical Art Database.
WENDY: Or I could just tell you that our statue is a general in the Terracotta Army, commissioned by the emperor of the Qin Dynasty and buried with him in 209 B.C.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Color me impressed.
WENDY: Color me focused.
BUSBOY: I heard an awful sound so I ran out from the kitchen and a huge wall of mud just came out of nowhere, overrunning everything in the place.
WENDY: And that’s your boss?
BUSBOY: Mr. Su.
THE MIDDLEMAN: What can you tell us about him?
BUSBOY: He was your typical small business owner. Driven, hard-working, freakish obsession with that warrior statue.
WENDY: Can you expand on that?
BUSBOY: Long hours, impeccable work ethic – you know, I think it’s a cultural thing.
WENDY: I meant the freakish obsession.
BUSBOY: Oh. Well, he mortgaged the place to bring that Terracotta Warrior over from China. And he spent all hours of the night burning candles in front of it and chanting in Mandarin.
THE MIDDLEMAN: What did he say?
BUSBOY: Dude, I’m like third-generation twice-removed. I don’t speak a lick of Chinese. But it sounded like sahn sheelie, shezahn deer.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Rise, be flesh, and walk the earth.
BUSBOY: Could global warming make that happen?
THE MIDDLEMAN, WENDY: Yes.
THE MIDDLEMAN: What are your thoughts on how to handle this?
WENDY: Are you quizzing me because you think I’m not focused?
THE MIDDLEMAN: I’m quizzing you because I have no thoughts on how to handle this.
WENDY: You’re at a loss? That’s a new one.
THE MIDDLEMAN: You might find what I’m about to tell you shocking, given my knowledge of aliens, monsters, and androids, but I do have one area of weakness.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Magic. The supernatural. The Dark Arts. Things that go bump. Anathema. We’ll need to consult someone.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Our consultant, of course. You are off today.
ROXY: Hate it! Hate it! Hate it! It’s a disaster of unmitigated proportions. They look like the Addicted to Love girls.
TREVOR: Roxy, this was your concept!
ROXY: It stinks.
TREVOR: Alright, boss. We’ll tear it down.
WENDY: So the devil actually does wear Prada.
THE MIDDLEMAN: That’s no devil. That’s a succubus.
ROXY: You, get over to the hair now! You, to the models. You stay here with Trevor because certainly he is incompetent.
WENDY: Should I kill it?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Stay your weapon, Dubbie. Roxy Wasserman is completely reformed. Opened this place as a halfway house for other reformed succubae. Gives them a chance to get out of the killing field and onto their feet.
WENDY: This place is a halfway house for soul-sucking demons who sneak up on defenseless men and seduce them in their sleep?
ROXY: It’s also a halfway house for soul-sucking demons who sneak up on defenseless women and seduce them in their sleep. MM, darling, give me kisses.
THE MIDDLEMAN: We’re in a pant-load of trouble, Rox.
ROXY: I’ll say! It looks like you’re wearing Hitler’s smoking jacket and it looks even worse on a girl.
WENDY: I know!
THE MIDDLEMAN: We didn’t come for the fashion advice. We are in need of supernatural consultation.
ROXY: My normal fee? Step into my office.
ROXY: A Chinese warrior, you say? Trevor! I’m going to guess it was a Terracotta Warrior.
WENDY: Buried with the emperor of the Qin dynasty in 209. We already got that from the placemat.
ROXY: If you knew anything at all, you wouldn’t be standing in my office; you’d be running for the hills. Trevor, come in and meet our guests. Watch your mouth with this one. Trevor here is just barely reformed. You know, Trevor used to sneak up on poor unsuspecting women in their sleep and do unspeakable things to him with his cold and icy –
THE MIDDLEMAN: Hands.
TREVOR: Thank you. What can I do for you, Roxy?
ROXY: They have an earth elemental on their hands.
TREVOR: Mm, nasty.
ROXY: Start gathering the items listed on page 47.
WENDY: An earth elemental?
ROXY: A spirit that draws its power from the living earth. It can manipulate or control anything made of earth, hence your mudslide inside a restaurant.
WENDY: So he’s like Magneto of mud.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Grapes of Wrath, Dubbie! Do you have any idea how much of the earth is made up of…earth?
ROXY: Himself included. He can take any form, as long as it’s made of earth.
THE MIDDLEMAN: And hide anywhere. Gobsmackit, this is why I hate magic!
ROXY: Ugh. Don’t make such a fuss. Water beats earth, MM. I’ll make you a vial of Aquatic Banishment. You throw it at him and poof! No more warrior. But the recipe is delicate. I will need some time.
WENDY: So we just hang out here?
ROXY: No. You must stop the warrior from completing its mission.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Which is…?
ROXY: Legend says that the Terracotta Warriors were created to have a fanatical devotion to the Emperor. They believed that the world would end with the death of their liege. If this one truly walks the earth, he will make it his mission to find the last living heir to the Qin dynasty and take him to the Land of the Dead.
WENDY: That’s it? Well, that doesn’t sound so scary.
ROXY: And release a hail of fire that will rain down on Earth for a thousand years.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Ah, phooey.
THE MIDDLEMAN: When we get to your place, go inside and pack a bag. I’ll wait outside.
WENDY: Why do I need to pack a bag?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Ooh, look over there?
WENDY: What? Oww!
THE MIDDLEMAN: Those are your state department recommended inoculations for China. Figured a healthy dose of distraction would help the medicine go down.
WENDY: We’re going to China!?
THE MIDDLEMAN: As soon as Ida gives us the precise coordinates for the heir. Let’s just hope it takes Mudman a good amount of time to figure out transcontinental travel and passport control.
WENDY: Why can’t the Chinese middleman just take over the case?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Don’t be ridiculous. China’s a communist country. A hero would be reduced to the level of the common man. I’m the only middleman, Wendy, and you’re the only –
THE MIDDLEMAN: Right. It’s just you and me against all the bad things out there and right now, that’s all the separates the planet from a thousand years of fire.
WENDY: I hear ya.
THE MIDDLEMAN: And, uh, keep an eye on yourself. The vaccinations may cause drowsiness, paranoia, and atypically vivid daydreams.
NOSER: Yo, Wendy Watson.
WENDY: Hey, Noser.
NOSER: So what are you going to do with the light fandango?
WENDY: Not gonna let it distract me from savin' the world.
NOSER: Wanna do cartwheels across the floor?
WENDY: Nope. I'm a guided missile of purpose.
NOSER: The truth is plain to see.
LACEY: Oh, hang on, she just walked in. It's your mom. She agrees that tuna kills.
WENDY: Hey, Mom, can I call you later? Yes, Mother, it is shocking how much mercury is in fish. You're right. It's very important to get the message out.
Do you know where my puffy coat is?
LACEY: I borrowed it.
WENDY: Yes, I know I was cranky. Did she tell you that I bailed her out at 3:00 AM?
LACEY: I'm still in the room!
WENDY: After the longest day of work ever?
LACEY: What's with the repo, man?
WENDY: I'm going out of town for a few days.
Hey – hey, Mom, I gotta go. I'm doin' a job for Roxy Wasserman. And I sorta owe Lacey an apology for last night. Okay. Love you, too.
LACEY: Are you serious?
WENDY: Yeah. I was really tired last night and…I probably should have been a little more patient –
LACEY: I mean about working for Roxy Wasserman. Roxy Wasserman is single-handedly keeping fur in style. Do you have any idea how many animals die to make her clothes? I got a good mind to march down there right now and spray the place with fake blood.
WENDY: Lacey. No. Famouse is not the sort of place where you want to commit a felony. Roxy Wasserman takes fashion seriously. Really seriously.
LACEY: And I take animals seriously. Really seriously.
WENDY: Please don't go down there. That place is not human.
LACEY: Well, at least we can agree on that.
WENDY: I don't know how else to say this, just – just don't. Okay? I work with Roxy, I know –
LACEY: Relex, Captain Day Job. I won't tell anyone we're friends. And I won't call you from jail, either.
WENDY: That's not what I mean. Lacey. Wait!
LACEY: Could you guys show me where the furs are?
ROXY: Hate it. Hate it so much I want to gouge my eyes out. Hate it so much I want to gouge your eyes out. Oh, good lord! I ask for modern! I ask for hip! And what do I get? What is this exactly? It's like somebody's nightmare! My label goes on these rags, people! Tell me how to fix it!
LACEY: How 'bout a fur coat?
ROXY: Who said that!?
ROXY: What's your name?
LACEY: Um. Uh, Lacey Thornfield.
ROXY: "Um…Uh…Lacey Thornfield?" You're adorable. Now tell me: do I look like Margaret Thatcher? A fur coat at a summer shoot? Shut your eyes. Shut them! Ignore every stupid thought of conformity in that tiny little brain of yours. And I want you to visualize as if your life depends on your ability to accessorize. Don't think! Imagine.
LACEY: Pink tulle fairy skirt with rhinestone embellished gold lame waist belt and matching unicorn headdress.
ROXY: What did you say?
LACEY: I'm not sure, ma'am.
ROXY: Brilliant! Absolutely transcendent! You're like Karl Lagerfeld with breasts. You heard her, people – fairy skirt and headdress! Go, go! Lacey Thornfield. You just landed yourself a new job as my assistant.
TREVOR: But you already have an assistant.
ROXY: Betty! You're fired. Stand by me, darling. Not to close. Back up. Yes. More horsie, more horsie. And tighter. Tighter horsie. There we are.
WENDY: Come on, Lacey. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up!
IDA: Hey, turn that thing off.
WENDY: There's no way my cell phone interferes with that thing's frequency.
IDA: I'm talking about your mouth.
WENDY: Lay off, Threepio. I've got a serious problem here.
THE MIDDLEMAN: We are in the middle of an operation. How close are we?
IDA: I'm just finishing the STORC search.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Sperm Track Operations and Reconnaissance Commander.
IDA: I'll have a location for ya in forty seconds.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Dubby, you have forty seconds to talk this out. Go!
WENDY: Uh, well, Lacey's been mad at me before but she's never ignored my phone calls.
THE MIDDLEMAN: I thought you solved your female problems.
WENDY: I don't 'female problems' means what ya think it means, but no. Now it's even worse. Because of me, Lacey when to Famouse to sling fake blood at the fur line.
THE MIDDLEMAN: You have to admire her enthusiasm.
WENDY: It's not a joke! She could get arrested. Again. Or worse!
THE MIDDLEMAN: Those succubi are completely reformed. And as for her arresting, she's an adult. She'll handle it.
WENDY: She's like half an adult.
IDA: Hey! I've got an air lock.
THE MIDDLEMAN: You need to trust Lacey.
WENDY: Let me just try her one more time.
THE MIDDLEMAN: And right now, I need to trust you.
IDA: His name is Duncan.
THE MIDDLEMAN: The name of the heir to the Qin dynasty is Duncan?
WENDY: So. Where is the next emperor to China?
WENDY: What's the heir to the Qin dynasty doing in a school in the surburbs?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Physical education by the look of his class schedule.
WENDY: I can't believe you gave me that stupid shot for nothing.
THE MIDDLEMAN: You're not experiencing side effects, are you? Drowsiness, atypically vivid daydreams?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Let's go find His Majesty before that Terracotta Warrior shows up. That mud-molding demon could be anywhere.
ROXY: Fifty daffodils to Shaddam at the House of Corrino, oh, and I have people working on a water elemental.
LACEY: Is that a fashion thing?
ROXY: Do I pay you to ask questions? They're supposed to get a drop of water from each of the seven seas and a hair from a water buffalo. I want you to go down there and find out how far they've come.
TREVOR: I already have the seawater and hair of a water buffalo.
LACEY: Hair of water buffalo? What kind of design is this?
ROXY: One that will prevent fire from raining down on the earth for a thousand years.
LACEY: Someone thinks a little too highly of their job.
ROXY: So all that reminds is 30 bottles of Tahiti water. That's yours, Lacey.
LACEY: Tahiti water? You know, that stuff is terrible for the environment.
ROXY: Well, it is the only water in the world that has the mineral content that I need.
LACEY: Don't you care about your carbon footprint?
ROXY: Is it anything like the footprint that I'm going to leave on your young, arrogant derrière if you don't do exactly as I say?
LACEY: Why is she so mean? You see the way she just looked at me? I thought she was gonna kill me.
TREVOR: Ah, I doubt it. Roxy hasn't killed since the early '80s.
LACEY: I'm Lacey.
TREVOR: Trevor. You're different than the girls Roxy usually hires.
LACEY: That's cuz I have a soul.
LACEY: It's shocking, I know. Look, I just want this job for one reason. I just want to see where they keep the furs.
TREVOR: Oh, you like fur?
LACEY: I have a thing for fur.
TREVOR: Make Roxy Wasserman happy and you just might get your wish.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Keep a watchful eye for our warrior.
WENDY: Yes. Because he can control the very earth with his mind and there's earth everywhere on earth. I get it.
THE MIDDLEMAN: You underestimate the enemy at our peril.
WENDY: We're at a public school. There's no earth here, just…blacktop.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Which one looks like the heir to a royal dynast from the Far East?
WENDY: Allow me. Red Rover, Red Rover, send Duncan right over! He's the heir to Qin dynasty?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Hands across America! That's unexpected.
THE MIDDLEMAN, WENDY: Terracotta roof!
WENDY: Okay, MM, I defer to you on this one cuz I got nothin'.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Duck and cover, Dubbie.
WENDY: Roxie said only the bottle of aquatic banishment could kill this dude.
THE MIDDLEMAN: You may wanna come with us.
WENDY: There are way too many copiers of Terminator out there.
DUNCAN: Okay, let's go!
THE MIDDLEMAN: Son, we don't have a lot of time, so I must be blunt. That warrior wants to serve you up as a part of a ritualistic sacrifice to the Underworld because he knows you're the heir to the Qin dynasty. And the outcome of this all will either be destroying the warrior with a supernatural weapon or delivering you to an international safe house where you’ll assume a new identity. How are you with foreign languages? That’s our supernatural consultant. Excuse me.
Roxy? It’s The Middleman, in a bit of a sticky widget so let me get right to it.
DUNCAN: So is he some kind of superhero?
WENDY: Something like that.
DUNCAN: What are you?
WENDY: Ever heard of Robin The Boy Wonder?
DUNCAN: Yeah, he sucks.
WENDY: So. You didn’t know you were the heir to the Qin dynasty?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Roxy just finished the vial of Aquatic Banishment. What’s your address?
DUNCAN: Uh, 1965 Caladan Lane.
WENDY: Are you smoking terracotta? We can’t take him home. The warrior will track him there.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Elemental, my dear Watson, right into my trap.
1965 Caladan Lane, Roxy, and make it snappy. We can’t let the warrior beat us there.
THE MIDDLEMAN: What in the gosh darn heck?
WENDY: Can you give me just one second?
Lacey. What are you doing here?
LACEY: Aren't you supposed to be in China?
WENDY: Well, we had a change of plans. I've been trying to call you.
LACEY: Sorry. I've been too busy to take personal calls. Roxy Wasserman hand-picked me to be her personal assistant. Apparently I'm Karl Lagerfeld with breasts. She just sent me here to deliver this bag.
WENDY: What? You despise Roxy Wasserman and everything she stands for.
LACEY: I thought you'd be glad I got a job. You're the one that told me to grow up.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Hello, Lacey.
LACEY: Hi, Wendy's boss.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Apparently you have something for me.
LACEY: Oh, this is for you?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Ah, my toner, wonderful. You can never be too kind to your skin. After all, it is the largest and most sensitive of the body's organs.
LACEY: I got the Tahiti water for it myself.
WENDY: Tahiti water!? You have fundamental issues with bottled water!
THE MIDDLEMAN: My skin thanks you kindly, Lacey, as do I. I hate to delay you any longer, Lacey. I'm sure Ms. Wasserman must be eager to get you back at the office.
LACEY: Right. Job. Right. Buh-bye, Wendy's boss.
WENDY: They took her soul.
THE MIDDLEMAN: I told you: those succubi are completely –
WENDY: Her metaphorical soul. What is she doing working for a fur monger?
THE MIDDLEMAN: I can see this development is upsetting, but I must remind you to –
WENDY: Delay any emotional reaction until we've safely delivered the earth from peril. I got it without the lecture. I'll grab the heir.
DUNCAN'S FATHER: You think our son is the heir to an ancient line of Chinese rulers?
THE MIDDLEMAN: And is currently being hunted by a military zealot born of clay made flesh and bent on taking him to the Underworld. Yes.
DUNCAN'S FATHER: Well, there's obviously been a huge mistake.
DUNCAN: That thing came after me, Dad! And it would've killed me if that guy didn't go all T2 on his ass!
DUNCAN'S MOTHER: Don't say 'ass' in front of company.
DUNCAN'S FATHER: Say 'ass' all you want, Duncan. Our company was just leaving.
DUNCAN'S MOTHER: Honey. Maybe we should listen to what they have to say.
DUNCAN'S FATHER: But this is insane! Isn't it? Jessica?
DUNCAN'S MOTHER: Duncan? You know how Mommy sometimes takes long international business trips?
DUNCAN'S FATHER: Yeah…
DUNCAN'S MOTHER: Well, sometimes Mommy gets lonely. And one time, she drank a lot of plum wine during her trip to Shanghi.
WENDY: Oh, no she didn't.
DUNCAN'S FATHER: Tell me she didn't.
DUNCAN'S MOTHER: Well sometimes her husband forgets how to make her feel attractive.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Now that we've settled the boy's lineage, let's move on to more pressing matters.
WENDY: Uh, the Boy Scouts called. They want their Family Counseling Merit Badge back.
DUNCAN'S FATHER: Would you excuse me?
DUNCAN: But Dad! I'm being hunted! I'm gonna need so much therapy.
WENDY: Hey. I know this dad stuff can be a lot to handle.
DUNCAN: Is that your job? To talk me down?
WENDY: Well, I understand where you're coming from. My dad disappeared when I was 14. I have no idea if he abandoned me or if he's…dead.
DUNCAN: That sucks.
WENDY: Totally. But I get what it's like to have a lot of questions about your dad. I'm gonna make sure you live to get yours answered.
TERRACOTTA WARRIOR: [Speaking Chinese]
THE MIDDLEMAN: He just ordered us to give him the heir. [Speaking Chinese] Told him it's not going to happen.
WENDY: Just throw it.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Ashes to ashes and dirt to dirt.
WENDY: Shouldn't he be melting or something?
LACEY: It'll be a cold day in hell before I destroy the earth with bottled water.
NOSER: Sh'yeah. Like anybody's gonna know the difference.
WENDY: I just had an atypically vivid daydream.
DUNCAN'S MOTHER: Duncan! Duncan! Where's our son?
ROXY: Roxy Wasserman. MM, darling, how much do you love me? Did you get a direct hit? Did the Terracotta Warrior die magnificently?
What!? Where are you now?
THE MIDDLEMAN: On our way. We should be there in one minute, fifty-four seconds. Give or take.
WENDY: Garbage truck!
THE MIDDLEMAN: Seat belt, please. The life you save may be your own. Yes, Roxy. Looking forward to seeing you, too. Okay. Buh-bye.
WENDY: 'Buh-bye'? A boy is taken from his parents and a thousand years of fire on our ass and that's all you got?
THE MIDDLEMAN: I see no reason to forgo simple courtesy and it doesn't seem to be raining fire yet. This is one of those rare times I'm thankful the road to the Underworld is long and burdensome.
WENDY: Does she know it's Lacey's fault?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Now is not the time to cast blame.
WENDY: It's not even Lacey's fault; it's mine. For driving her into that den of fur, succubi, and anorexia.
THE MIDDLEMAN: We can talk about it once we've liberated the world from certain doom.
WENDY: Stop doing that!
THE MIDDLEMAN: What?
WENDY: "Don't talk until the world is un-doomed! You can't cry until you've reached the international safe house. You have forty seconds to save your friendship!"
THE MIDDLEMAN: These rules exist for a reason.
THE MIDDLEMAN: I don't have time to explain now.
ROXY: Everything's under control, darlings. We're whipping up a new vial of Aquatic Banishment. It's all the fault of that vapid and useless assistant of mine.
WENDY: Hey! That's my roommate you're talking about! Wait. Where is she?
WENDY: Good. Wait! Gone where? You didn't –
ROXY: She's been dealt with.
WENDY: Define dealt with.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Wendy, Roxy would never –
WENDY: I said, define dealt with.
ROXY: Your sidekick's got spunk, MM. Relax, Sidekick. I fired her. See? Everyone's a winner. Shall we get to work?
The Warrior will take the old road to the Underworld. It's long and inefficient. Stupid ancients and their mistrust of modern technology.
WENDY: Well, that means we still have time to cut him off on the road.
ROXY: Yes, if you're up for battling unspeakable horrors that no mortals have ever survived, then by all means cut him off on the road.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Maybe you should hold all remaining questions 'till the end of the demonstration.
ROXY: The new route was created this century. It's modern, comfortable, and most important: direct.
THE MIDDLEMAN: And that means…
WENDY: Means what?
ROXY: But you know the danger.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Danger be darned; it has to be done.
WENDY: What has to be done?
ROXY: Your sidekick will only be a hindrance. You must go alone.
WENDY: Go where?!
THE MIDDLEMAN: I can't go alone. Somebody has to hold the vile of Aquatic Banishment.
ROXY: Oh, yes, your hands will be full with the scythe.
WENDY: What scythe?
THE MIDDLEMAN: The scythe of Maud'dib.
WENDY: That's the question you answer.
THE MIDDLEMAN: She can handle it. I have the utmost faith in her.
ROXY: She's like her roommate.
WENDY: I take that as a compliment.
ROXY: Vapid and useless.
WENDY: Am not!
THE MIDDLEMAN: See? There. Settled. She's going.
WENDY: Going where!?
ROXY: All succubi report to your stations! We are opening the door to the Underworld. [Laughs manically]
TREVOR: Lacey! Lacey! Wait! Are you okay?
LACEY: I can't believe Roxy Wasserman just canned me for trying to save the environment.
TREVOR: It's her loss.
LACEY: I'm so mad at myself! You know, why'd I have to pull that stunt with the water? There's so much I wanted to accomplish here.
TREVOR: Well, is there anything I can do to cheer you up?
LACEY: No. I need my Dub-Dub.
TREVOR: What's that?
LACEY: It's my best friend. Who I'm sorta fighting with right now. She's kind of always there to bail me out. Sometimes literally.
TREVOR: Sure there's nothing I can do?
LACEY: Actually, I can think of one thing that would make me feel a whole lot better.
THE MIDDLEMAN: The Scythe of Maud'dib allows the living to navigate the Underworld. If I let go for even a second, we'll be stuck there for an eternity which is why your job is so important.
WENDY: Hold the little girlie bottle. Hand it to you when you need. Got it the first three times.
THE MIDDLEMAN: My redundancy is only a reflection of the importance of this assignment. The underworld is full of temptations, personal and emotional enticements that would tax the strongest of mortals.
WENDY: You think I can't handle.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Well, I –
WENDY: I know what you think. I've been hearin' it all day. "Saving the world requires focus!" Look, I'm a multi-tasker. Ability to defeat evil and deal with emo at the same time. It's like my superpower.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Personally, I've never had emo that didn't interfere with the job.
WENDY: I find that hard to believe. I mean, that you've ever had emo.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Ann Harbor High School. 1991.
WENDY: Oh! Gee! Way to reach for a recent example.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Fred Butler was a quarterback with a bright future. Big Ten scouts were coming to watch him play. He was running play against play again, game was in the bag, everyone knew. One of his linemen couldn't wait to run off the field.
WENDY: That was you, right?
THE MIDDLEMAN: See, I had this gal cheering for me in the stands and before the game, she'd given me a mix tape.
WENDY: Is 'mix tape' a euphemism for –
THE MIDDLEMAN: No. The play was called, the ball was snapped, and all I could think about was that haunting Bryan Adams song and how much I loved the girl that had given me that tape.
WENDY: That's, uh, kind sweet, I guess.
THE MIDDLEMAN: No, Dubbie. It was pathetic.
WENDY: Your words, not mine.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Fred was my man and I was supposed to have his back but instead I was whistling that stupid song from Robin Hood. The next thing I heard was the sickening wet crunch when his knee hit the turf. Fred had three operations before we graduated high school but he never played again.
WENDY: You can't be sure that's your fault.
THE MIDDLEMAN: No. But I'm sure I could have prevented it.
WENDY: Life sometimes scatters you. It happens.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Not since then. And not for us. I will always give you 100%. I hope I can expect the same in return.
ROXY: The underworld awaits.
Powers of the world beneath,
Spirits of the dead,
Powers of the plains beyond,
Spirits of the restless:
Grant us passage through your realms.
Grant us strength in our journey.
Grant us courage in this travail.
Grant us speed in our crossing.
Grant us fortune in our quest.
Open the door.
Open the door.
Open the door!
WENDY: This is the Underworld?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Horrifying, isn't it?
WENDY: So all those temp jobs really were hell on earth.
THE MIDDLEMAN: What do you mean?
WENDY: It was a joke.
You know, because this is supposed to look like the Underworld and instead it just looks like a boring old office building?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Sands of Zanzibar! You see an office building?
WENDY: Yeah. You don't?
THE MIDDLEMAN: I see a field. Wild. Overgrown. Barbaric. Look! Over there! A feral rabbit.
THE MIDDLEMAN: No. I see an office building.
WENDY: Wow. Somebody's funny in the Underworld. Which way?
THE MIDDLEMAN: I'm not sure. We'll have to ask at the information desk.
WENDY: What's in all those files?
THE MIDDLEMAN: You heard of The Book of the Dead?
THE MIDDLEMAN: That was version 1.0. Now the dead are cataloged in a proprietary system of files, much like our own Dewey Decimal system.
WENDY: So there's a record of everyone who's ever died?
THE MIDDLEMAN: For being an infinitely massive veil of shadows and mystery, this place is surprisingly well organized. Dagnabbit. The service down here's gone to pot. [Clears throat]
DESK CLERK: Have you been helped? Oh. You're alive.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Yes, and hoping to stay that way. We're looking for a Terracotta Warrior and his boy hostage.
DESK CLERK: I hate the living.
THE MIDDLEMAN: And we'll be skedaddling post-haste, but not, I'm afraid, until we resolve some unfinished business with our warrior friend.
DESK CLERK: You've just missed him. Thousand Years of Fire Room.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Guns of Navarro! How did he beat us here?
DESK CLERK: Upstairs. End of the hall. Better hurry.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Let's roll, Dubbie.
WENDY: I need you to look someone up for me.
His name is Peter Watson. He's my dad.
DESK CLERK: Peter Watson? Sure, piece of cake. Or maybe you'd like me to find a specific Joe Smith cuz that's not at all inconvenient.
WENDY: I know Watson is an annoyingly common last name, okay? Believe me. It's my cross to bear, too. But please. Look, I know you're dead…or something so you probably don't even have emotions but please try to understand. I was 14 when my father disappeared. I've spent my entire life wondering if he was still alive. This my Holy Grail. This is my Rosebud. This is –
DESK CLERK: Not working on me, hun.
TERRACOTTA WARRIOR: [In Chinese] I serve at the feet of the young Emperor.
DESK CLERK: Oh.
WENDY: Can't kill the dead…
DESK CLERK: Oh, no! But you're funny! Oh, what the hell! What's his name again?
WENDY: Peter Watson.
TERRACOTTA WARRIOR: [In Chinese] Earth. Wind. Water. Fire. Earth, you formed me.
DESK CLERK: Was he any chance with the Luftwaffe?
WENDY: No, uh…he flew a DC-3, fixed wing, American.
DESK CLERK: Okay.
TERRACOTTA WARRIOR: [In Chinese] Wind, you carried me. Fire, you are my destiny. Water, you scare the pants off me. Earth. Wind. Water. Fire. Earth. Wind. Water. Fire.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Dubbie! Now! The vial!
DESK CLERK: Okay. Here we go.
WENDY: You found it?
DESK CLERK: I found the right year. I'm close.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Wendy! Wendy! Wendy!
DESK CLERK: I think I found your answer!
Where the hell did she go?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Wendy!
WENDY: I'm sorry, I was –
THE MIDDLEMAN: Let's go! Move! Come on! Don't look back! Dubbie! Dubbie, now! Come on! Throw it! He's gonna blow!
ROXY: I don't know about you, but I need some chocolate. I said chocolate, people! The good kind.
DUNCAN: I want my dad.
WENDY: I hear ya.
THE MIDDLEMAN: So.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Do we need to postmortem? It may have an unfortunate double meaning but I assure you I mean it solely in the recap sense of the word.
WENDY: You were right. I let personal stuff get in the way.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Wendy. It's one thing to set aside a fight with your roommate but…some things walk beside you your whole life.
WENDY: The world could've ended.
THE MIDDLEMAN: But it didn't. You came through in the end and that's all that matters.
WENDY: So. What now?
THE MIDDLEMAN: Looks like we have all the time in the world if you'd like to some sort of emotional breakdown.
WENDY: Kinda numb right now, but I appreciate the offer. You know, all this middleman stuff? I think my dad would've been proud.
THE MIDDLEMAN: Maybe he still is.
LACEY: I didn't think I'd ever hear myself say this, Trevor, but I really love these furs! It's just so great we're getting to keep so many. Oh, and thanks for helping me carry them out. I don't know how I would've done it.
WENDY: He sucked her soul out! Son of a bitch!
LACEY: Wendy? What are you doing?
WENDY: Uh. I got these for you. To apologize. And to tell you how much I admire your soul.
TREVOR: Maybe I should give you girls a minute.
LACEY: Are those really for me?
WENDY: Uh, no. They were kinda sorta to smash Trevor over the head for luring you into a soulless life of fur-wearing because that's totally not who you are in any way.
LACEY: You would do that for me?
WENDY: I am your best friend.
LACEY: You know, a girl could go to prison for braining a guy.
WENDY: I know. I just get so mad when I see people doing the wrong thing, I have to take a stand. I just wish my best friend would understand that.
LACEY: Well, that's why I love you.
HOMELESS MAN: Ladies.
WENDY: Uh. Okay…why are homeless men walkin' around in mink?
LACEY: I have to show you something. When Roxy Wasserman offered me this job, I figured all I'd have to do is just hang in there long enough to get to the fur room and go all Carrie Prom Night 2. Okay, but then when Trevor actually got me into the fur room, I started thinking about everything you said. And I thought, "W.W.W.W.D.?"
LACEY: What would Wendy Watson do? So the minks already lost their lives and I can't do anything about that. But I can make sure their ultimate sacrifice is used for good and not evil.
WENDY: You still committed grand larceny. You stole all those coats.
LACEY: No, I talked Roxy into donating them.
WENDY: You did?
LACEY: Yeah, she was so busy she barely even noticed I was still in the building. And then she just told me to take the furs because the world's goin' to hell anyway.
WENDY: Oh, Lacey. That is so –
WENDY: – awesome!
LACEY: I know!